Sunday 26 June 2016
Well, what a week.
It hasn't been the easiest. There were a few spanners thrown in the works and a real emotional battle in my head, a kind-of power struggle between needs and wants. There is nothing I want more than to be self-employed and be able to take my work anywhere in the world. At the same time, I struggle with the want for materialistic things, to furnish my house with beautiful things, even just buy myself nice clothes and splurge on nice food. Oh, and money to actually see the world. This time of my life is also really difficult as well-i'm still transitioning from being a student, an employee, to a woman of my own free-will in the country that I dreamed of visiting ever since I was a little girl, and then back to the reality of life.
So, let me just tell you about my week, shall I?
This week I had an exciting opportunity to meet up with someone in the industry, all thanks to my cousin (thanks, cuz!) to show off my portfolio. I wasn't too sure about what to expect. To be honest, I hadn't really looked at my printed portfolio in quite some time (and it needs updated), so I went in expected to be slammed for outdated work. I was super, pleasantly surprised. Overall, it was really calm and casual and I felt quite comfortable speaking about myself and my work. The industry experts' feedback was more than fantastic-he praised almost everything he saw-and the things he didn't like were minor and fixable. He said he would pass on my name to employers and people looking for someone to do overflow work.
Now, that's my response as a designer. As an wannabe professional Illustrator, his feedback was incredible. He saw talent in me that I don't, or that I struggle to see some days. He could see that I could produce really professional grade work and that my illustration capabilities worked well to enhance my design concepts. Again, a few images in my portfolio let me down, but he's really inspired me to put my illustration foot forward when it comes to my work and really present that side of me.
I think I shot myself in the foot through. When asked the questions "where do you see yourself in 5 years" I really struggled and went for my auto-response "in Japan...". Now, that question has so many answers for me as my vision for the future keeps changing (almost day to day). I knew there were things that I should have said that would have maybe made me more... suitable, I guess, but in my heart-of-hearts I truly want nothing more to go back to Japan and really test the waters in what I can achieve over there. And from what I had said about myself earlier and him seeing my portfolio and potential, it seemed the best suited response at the time.
And you would think that would leave me feeling fantastic and unstoppable but it actually kinda messed with my head...
A few days prior to this portfolio showing, which my cousin hinted that there could be opportunity of employment if I presented myself well enough (but I think I stuffed that...), my previous employer asked if I could help out in the lead up to Christmas. I won't go into much detail, but all I can say was that I was extremely hesitant to go back. Once the portfolio viewing was over, I knew that this was something I really had to consider now and it put me in a spot of anxiety. Here was the person saying that I had an amazing portfolio that "it was one of the best junior portfolios he had seen in a while" and an opening to go back to a job that was everything I wanted to run away from. And last week I was hell-bent on getting rid of my job at the burger joint so I could live my dream of being self-employed, not go back to something I wanted to avoid like the plague.
But, this week it became the battle of two evils... A job that I was running away from-sitting endlessly at desk, being told what to design and early mornings (I am not a morning person). Versus, a job that, to be fair, I'm awful at, and doesn't pay nearly enough to live on but does allow for some of the things I had to miss out on with a 9-5.
But.
Sitting here, this Sunday evening and writing this, I feel very differently now.
My coach and my amazingly supportive Mum shed some light on the situation and helped me clear my head of some of the anxieties I had about returning to my previous industry and job. I feel better about the possibility of heading back. I guess all week I was looking at the downsides, the negatives and they were overwhelmingly blinding all the good that the job had for me and all the fun times that I enjoyed there. This job opportunity is a positive thing and it's going to help me in so many more ways than cooking chips and flipping patties ever will.
I guess what I learned this week was DO NOT OVERTHINK IT. Being self-employed means that you have a lot of time to yourself, being on your lonesome, in your own little world (you get the idea) and there are little distractions to keep you from turning your fear into doubt and ultimately your downfall. What happened this week may not directly happen again on my road to freedom, but similar situations will occur. What I need to do is not let it consume me, and to focus on the goals that I had set earlier and carry on like I would have if none of this ever happened to begin with.
And number two, COMPROMISE. Not everything is straight forward. You're going to get throw all sorts of crazy shit. Goals and plans change, nothing is set in stone. Don't let opportunities pass you by and always stay humble, get off that high horse. But all the same, stay true to who you are and never lose sight of that dream. Remember compromise doesn't mean "let go and give in" it means a little give-and-take.
Anyways that's it from me. I'm buggered. I spent all day cleaning. A bit of, clear your space (ie. entire house) to clear your mind, therapy and I can't wait to get up tomorrow and get back on track with my little business adventure. I hope that whoever is reading this can relate and it helps them on their journey whatever that may be.
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